Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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