It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
