Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
