So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
