i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Farmville is her only friend.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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