best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
