The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
