there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Found the puke drawer
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
