it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
