i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
