Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can't turn off my feet"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
