you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
