Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
how drunk are you?
Several
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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