New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
