sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
handjob tips. give me some.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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