so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
