nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
