i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
