blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
