She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
