don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
