By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
