I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
