Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
