Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He better not be in your backpack
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
