I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
