a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize