I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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