Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
