Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Acid is not a monday night drug
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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