bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
