when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
