Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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