There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
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