Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
