I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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