I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize