I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
