god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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