just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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