i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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