...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
