2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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