my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
