YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
