i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
