I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
