I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
