Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We had to coat check the pizza.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
