dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
