WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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