There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
