maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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