Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
