i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
