it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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